I am sitting here feeling overwhelmed. The list of things to get done seems endless. It all became so real for me this past Thursday morning when I received the call from the Social Worker asking if we would be willing to take Nicole’s two children in. (Nicole is a birth mom who recently placed her baby for adoption with the help of our services and ministry. Nicole is not her real name, as I wish to protect her identity.) Nicole is a young woman who has never had a stable role model. She was influenced by the choices and addictions that her own parents faced. Coming from a broken home, she has shared stories of her own time in the foster care system. She has now come full circle, except that it is now she who watches her own children enter into that same broken system that she was once a part of.
I’m not sure how I felt when Nicole asked me if my husband, David, and I would take her kids. Honestly, I was a bit anxious at the thought of a four year old boy and a baby girl, just under the age of two. Would we be right for her kids and would they be right for our family? We have four kids, two of which are grown. We also have a 16 year old daughter, who is a junior in high school and a 9 year old son in the fourth grade. They are fairly independent. We have a routine. Our routine involves them going to school and sports practice, music lessons, church activities. My kids do chores, feed the pets, and clean up after themselves. Our routine no longer involves diapers or naps or diaper bags or strollers…
Another huge hesitation for me was the fact that we will get emotionally attached to them. Foster care is supposed to be a temporary solution. My heart, David’s heart, our children’s hearts will all be on the line. I know the moment they step foot into our home, they will be loved as if they belong here. We have spoken to our children. Their hearts and attitudes have adjusted from a lukewarm “okay” to an excited “Mom, when are the kids going to be here?”
It has been several weeks since Nicole asked if we would think about taking her kids. If they were going to be in foster care, she would feel better if they were with a family that she trusted. Other than us, she knew nobody who would qualify and she had nobody she could trust. The fact that I just met Nicole in September of this past year does not escape me. After knowing me for such a short time, I am incredibly saddened by the tragedy of this reality of hers. Yet, I am unbelievably honored to be the one that she trusts her most valued, treasured, loved beings to be with. Nicole really does love her children. She has never had anybody who parented her correctly, so she is passing on what she has been taught.
As David and I prayed over this situation, I also tried for us to not be the only answer. I spoke with Nicole about the possibility of other families. She was open to anybody I could trust. There were a few families interested and one by one, they felt that this situation wasn’t right for them – time wise or geographically. Their reasons were sound and it came to the point, that we – the Dettman family, was the one option left. Her first choice has ended up being the last option. How’s that for an answer to the specific prayer of God closing the door or opening it wider?!
So here we are, our family of five living in our four bedroom house, opening our hearts and home to these sweet and precious children. The first step is the Home Assessment – which seems so incredibly huge. I imagine every drawer searched, every corner looked at. Instead of the same overwhelm I had a few weeks ago at the thought of these children coming into our home, I now feel anxious that somehow they won’t be able to. I now dream about them. I worry that they are not being cared for properly by their current foster placement. There is no foundation for these worries, but I think of them as I would my own children.
If you’ve listened to The Adoption Answer Radio Show, you have heard me share that there are over 400,000 children currently in the foster care system. I have spoken about the importance of “we, the church” stepping up and fostering and/or fostering to adopt. David and I have talked about this, a lot, in the past. There was a “possible” and “someday” to our conversations. To be real, I don’t know if we would have ever stepped forward had this situation not presented itself to us. When I think about these two precious little ones, whom may or may not come to be a part of our family- for a short or long period of time, it hurts to know that that there really are so many others who just want a safe place to rest their head and a family to love and care for them.
I don’t know how this situation will end up because I have exactly zero percent control over the county social services department. Will we get these kids? I hope so. I have heard that they are “adjusting” to their current foster family, but that the four year old boy is asking when I will be there to pick them up. I have also heard that baby girl is not smiling. I now dream almost nightly about them. I envision another little boy playing ball with David and our son, Garrett, in the back yard. I can hear them wrestling and David being overtaken with the mere strength of the now, two boys. I see a sweet, little girl with a tutu and cowboy boots on. I long to hold her, to comfort her and to see her smile.
I talked to my friend, Sarah, who has walked a foster journey of her own. They are at the tail end of their foster walk (which has been heart wrenching at times). They are now adopting two of the most precious boys ever. She gave me this advice – protect your heart… and then she took it back. There is no way to protect your own heart when these little hearts are so, NOT protected. You are either fully in or you are out. I can’t be in and not give it my all. Whether they come to us or not, I will pray for them like I do my other children. I am all in.